WHEN A BIRD SINGS....

Back in October, the Black Panther came to visit me in a dream...the panther has many different symbolism, but what speaks to me most is "black panther's power includes guardian energy, symbol of the feminine, death and rebirth, reclaiming of one's power". The setting was camp grounds...a group of people around; gallivanting...I seen a shadow in the dark...I immediately felt the presence of the panther....I watched as it lurked closer....I then warned the others and they all scurried in the cabin.. I stood on the porch as the protector....the panther walked slowly up the stairs and approached me...I stood my ground...it then stood on it's hinds legs and paused for like 10 secs and we was just locked eyes....I was in a trance because it's beauty was stunning....then it pounced; I wrestled with it and it ran off....I ran in the cabin with the others....and the panther came back; looking for me. So I worked my way through the crowd and took it on again....

For a good chunk of my life, I have dealt with cycles of sadness.  It comes and it goes...sometimes out of no where.  It brings down my whole mood. I can't even function! Crippled! Where does it come from? I am not sure really, but my mind starts racing. Just thoughts going in and out of my head.  And these thoughts aren't good ones unfortunately.  Its like I replay all of the negative things or the things I am not proud of or my lack of success or my misfortunes or what I don't have.  These things just play over and over in my head and I cannot stop them. It makes me feel weak, it makes me feel less than, it makes me feel worthless, it makes me feel just damn sad.  Unfortunately, this weekend was one of those weekends.  Although this may sound pretty miserable, well it is actually miserable, I have taken some steps to try and address this in my life. Therapy. Mindfulness. Self help book. I am just in the beginning of the "fix-it" stage, so...

I've been on my fitness lately.  Working out at least 4-5 days a week. Biking about 12-20 miles a day.  I'll be 30 next year.  And although as a young teen, I seen myself already married with children.  LOL, ohh young Raven.  Well I wanted to take control over an aspect in my life that I had full control of, and that is shaping my body.  I am super excited to spend my 30th birthday waking up on the beach in Jamaica, and a sista wants to look good doing it.  LOL Conscious eating and working out...doing what fits into my life and does not disrupt! Love self. 

"Can I come thru?" I swear this line has haunted me all of 2014! And if another Negro says this to me again! "Can I come thru?" Like how old am I? Ohh, last time I checked...I was touching 30 with a yard stick!  In 2014, I am coming to the understanding that its no longer cool to take ladies out.  Like you meet a guy, you all have a few conversations, and then he says "Can I come thru?" Like, wtf!  So I can say that I am guilty on accepting this.  This "coming thru"tactic.  Well predominantly because I didn't see much about the guy that I truly wanted....maybe I just wanted something physical from him...so "coming thru" was okay.  But then what? Like its only so much "coming thru" that's keeping me entertained. I have been one of the women feeding into this hoax set up my men,  Wanting to convince us that they are giving us some of their time, so what do we need to complain about.  But then what else are you do...

Well today I decided to finally erase all of my social networking websites. Why you ask? Well because that's how I woke up feeling..lol It's been a love hate relationship with social networking.  I have used it like most people for a tool to keep up to date on family, friends, celebrities, random folks with locs, random folks who take cool pictures, random people who have interesting things to say.  All that good stuff...But one of my biggest issues has been overexposure! Like feeling the need to share that I was at this event, or did this, or accomplished this.  Now granted, I don't feel like these are things that I wouldn't never share, but how come I'm sharing it with that one dude that I went to junior high with who I haven't seen since high school and I don't even have his phone number.  Kinda weird right? Overexposure.  I was talking to a friend about whats next? whats next with all this social networking/reality stuff...I say the Truman Show! O...

ohh how I love mines!

Need I say more...

Oct. 28, 2013 at about 7:52am between 16th and 17th San Pablo Ave, I was hit by a car while biking. Wait! And then the car ran over my left hand! Yes, my dominant hand....I had hand surgery, 3 metal pins, and a lot of Norco lol... Yep, a pretty horrible experience.  But I was able to reflect a lot on myself.  I realized just how "rich" I was in support and love.  I had plenty of people extending their support. Plenty of hands, plenty of cooked food, plenty of prerolled j's...lol.  I thought a lot about myself and how I treat people.  I realized, I'm not the most uhh "warm" or "sympathetic " person.  So it had me check myself, and aspire to be a better person to all the loving and caring people around me. But on another note, WATCH OUT FOR BIKERS!! SHARE THE ROAD!! BIKES BELONG ON THE ROAD TOO!! [SPECIAL SHOUTOUT TO MY MOM & ANWAAR, WHO REALLY HELD IT DOWN FOR ME]

A wise man once told me that "hurt people, hurt people"! I swear, it made sense to me in that moment.  Then I had to sit back and evaluate how I was handling the hurt that someone was causing me. I think this is something that we all think about in that moment.  Well some of us think longer than others.  I think that "hurt people, hurt" because they react! They react rather quickly, and typically their reaction is driven by the hurt.  In the most immediate moment, all you want to do is to make the other person feel that same pain. Wow, how disgusting when you really think about it.  How does it help for us to inflict pain? I'm saying, it doesnt remove the pain or hurt you feel. I know I struggle with this a lot because like the next human being I hate to wallow in my sorrow alone.  But what helps is to really take a moment to pause before reacting.  I discuss it with myself.  Ask myself do I wanna take myself out of character.  Becaus...