So, I am officially 20 weeks along. At this point, I have adjusted to this new (yet, very temporary) body of mines. My symptoms have mostly settled down; besides, the occasional nausea, moodiness, back pains, tired. Okay, okay, okay...lol, guess I am still feeling pregnant. LOL. But for the most part, I feel like my normal self. Now, everyone wants to know...have I felt the baby moving yet? Well, I will say yes. But, I haven't felt major kicks yet. The movement that I have felt is sort of hard to explain. It feels like movement lol. Like a shallow "thump" here and there.
The next big thing is..."so what are you having?" We found out this week it is a bouncing boy!!! Marvelous is definitely excited. I would say, I had not had my mind set on either or. I initially always thought I wanted a boy. Why? Well because I always felt more masculine than feminine. And I felt more comfortable with the idea of raising a boy than a girl. I was not comfortable with my "womanness." However, I had a recent epiphany. I was at a workshop.....(okay, this is one hell of a tangent from pregnancy, but it is about self-growth) and the workshop had nothing to do with what it meant to be a woman. However, it was only 4 women present. Our task was to write/draw what it meant to be us. And all of us addressed our woman hood. However, we all had conflict with what it meant to us. After that experience, God showed me that there was not one way to be a woman. I should be comfortable with who I was, and not feel like a "tomboy" or more like a guy than a girl. I am woman, and she looks like this too :)
Okay, back to having a boy. SO, I got comfortable with the idea of having a girl. I figured I could do all the things I wanted to do with her because life is not gendered. BUT, I am excited to have a boy. This week has been rough on us personally. Its like we experienced a week of hardships. But my fiance and I kept it moving, and we maintained ourselves. I feel like the boy energy in me was causing some mischief. lol. But God showed us that as long as we stay a unit, and lead with love and care for each other, we can handle what comes our way. Even this new addition....who I affectionately nicked named "Bambino" (Italian for baby boy)...aka "Bam Bam."I struggled with the fact that I am not in awe with my pregnancy or infatuated with my unborn child. I feel very practical about the experience. Such as, what values I want to instill, how do I guide a child without pushing what I want for them, whats the best education options, which extracurricular will we instill first, how to teach my child to love God, how do I teach my son how to love himself and others...etc..etc
I know I will love my son, I love him now. BUT, I do not feel enamoured with him, if that makes sense. I believe once he arrives, I will feel the butterflies.
I imagine the day that one day I will dance with my son :)
(okay, I can't lie...the day I found it was a boy...I was instantly looking for the swaggiest outfits out lol)
Raven!!! Why i had the biggest smile on my face when I was reading this! =)
ReplyDeletemaybe because I can relate so much...I still remember when I found out I was having a boy. I was sooo happy and excited. and only to find out that it gets even better as they grow.. is even a more unique and amazing bond that boys have with mom's, mines is a total momma's boy lol (not that little girls cant have that bond) im just sooo happy for you!!! and yes once you lay eyes on him you will get all of that..I felt that it was so corny when people would tell me "you will know what REAL LOVE is when you lay eyes on your baby" lol but when I did, I Really Really felt that way... is THE BEST FEELING in the world. Unconditional LOVE. I cant wait to see his handsome little self! All the Love and positivity your way Raven
^^
ReplyDeleteOpps from Seira. lol
Aww, thanks Seira!
ReplyDeleteWell I had two kids that didn’t move lazy ass baby. I must have store that masculine energy into you because I wanted sons. I also have had problems with not feel feminine enough. I felt like I didn’t or couldn’t teach y’all how to be more woman-ish. What makes a women a women? There we go as humans putting people in boxes. I’‘m too am a women hard, soft, short hair , long hair, in Pants or dresses, setting breast feed or with a cegar in between lips, I am too a women.
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