Yes, so it is a new year. A chance to start the year of with a new start, with a new state of mind, with new intentions. I have to have a better year than last year, I just have too.
Last year, yes, there was some beautiful moments, but when I think it through, geez it was pretty rough. I only worked for half of the year. And in that half of the year, I was super stressed. I was so depressed. And I was having a hard time finding help. Real help. I was in a very low place, but I was making money. I realized more and more that money does not rule me. And yes, sometimes money can make life easier, but it doesn't when it comes to stress. It can make life really feel like sh*t. I felt very alone also. Because most people just didn't understand what I was going through. Most people cannot understand someone else's level of stress. Because we all handle and process our problems very differently. So what may seem small to you, can be explosive to me and vice versa. For a long time, I had not been handling my stress well. And it would send me into a very deep dark place.
I then finally decided to rid myself of the stress. Making one of the boldest moves I had ever made in my life (outside of packing up my things and moving cross country, lol, pretty bold...ohh, yes and traveling all the way to Asia by myself, also pretty bold...look at you Raven, being bold :). I decided to quit my job without having another job lined up. Yes, sounds crazy right. But I reminded myself that I was not the first person that have ever done that before,. It was bold, it was crazy, but it was necessary. Now about 7 months later, I am still on the job market. Yes, it has been tough. I have spent every dollar I have to my name. For one of the first times in my life, I know the true meaning of being broke. And it is tough. Especially with someone who is as prideful as I am. Its very difficult for me to ask for help or for me to accept help, but I had to humble myself during this last 7 months. Because I would not have made it by myself.
One thing for sure, it has helped me to become more faithful and closer to God. Its a great feeling when you feel like you are not alone in this or that this is apart of the plan. I believe that it is. This is a learning lesson for me and I am learning a lot from it. They say all in God's timing right. I don't want to rush it, so I work hard every day to keep that faith burning.
I also seen clearly those who are in my life to really help me in many different ways. There are people who said they would help, but it seemed like I had to jump through hoops for their help. And bet, I never really got their help. But God put someone in my life to be that help. And as I would, I tried pushing him away. For many reasons. Partly because I just was not used to that type of love. Partly because I have control issues and its hard for me to give that up. Partly because I have lived with a certain image of what it means to be a man. Partly because I live vicariously through other people and believe my life is suppose to fit some-type of mold. And through all of these different levels of insecurities, he was still by my side. He is willing to do whatever it takes to make me happy. He has made so many sacrifices. He has ignored my attitude and still loved me. He wants to be my provider when I feel like I have nothing. He is patient. He has taught me more about having faith. He has made me a top priority. Something I am not used too. I am used to being behind the kids, behind the work/career, behind baby mommas, behind family, behind ego. But, he's made me 1st. He has helped me to handle my stress. He has been God-sent, and still I fight the love he is offering. But I am thankful everyday for the love and support he has been to me during this trying times. It is times like this that we will one day reflect on and I know its only going to make us stronger, together.
In the stress of 2017, one thing that sums up my lesson learned is to be humble. Raven you cannot control everything. Raven, sometimes things don't look the way you thought, doesn't mean its not right. Raven, you are living this journey how it is suppose to be lived. Raven, you gotta love yourself. Raven, you gotta have faith. Raven, you gotta trust. Raven, its okay to be loved.
Last year, yes, there was some beautiful moments, but when I think it through, geez it was pretty rough. I only worked for half of the year. And in that half of the year, I was super stressed. I was so depressed. And I was having a hard time finding help. Real help. I was in a very low place, but I was making money. I realized more and more that money does not rule me. And yes, sometimes money can make life easier, but it doesn't when it comes to stress. It can make life really feel like sh*t. I felt very alone also. Because most people just didn't understand what I was going through. Most people cannot understand someone else's level of stress. Because we all handle and process our problems very differently. So what may seem small to you, can be explosive to me and vice versa. For a long time, I had not been handling my stress well. And it would send me into a very deep dark place. I then finally decided to rid myself of the stress. Making one of the boldest moves I had ever made in my life (outside of packing up my things and moving cross country, lol, pretty bold...ohh, yes and traveling all the way to Asia by myself, also pretty bold...look at you Raven, being bold :). I decided to quit my job without having another job lined up. Yes, sounds crazy right. But I reminded myself that I was not the first person that have ever done that before,. It was bold, it was crazy, but it was necessary. Now about 7 months later, I am still on the job market. Yes, it has been tough. I have spent every dollar I have to my name. For one of the first times in my life, I know the true meaning of being broke. And it is tough. Especially with someone who is as prideful as I am. Its very difficult for me to ask for help or for me to accept help, but I had to humble myself during this last 7 months. Because I would not have made it by myself.
One thing for sure, it has helped me to become more faithful and closer to God. Its a great feeling when you feel like you are not alone in this or that this is apart of the plan. I believe that it is. This is a learning lesson for me and I am learning a lot from it. They say all in God's timing right. I don't want to rush it, so I work hard every day to keep that faith burning.
I also seen clearly those who are in my life to really help me in many different ways. There are people who said they would help, but it seemed like I had to jump through hoops for their help. And bet, I never really got their help. But God put someone in my life to be that help. And as I would, I tried pushing him away. For many reasons. Partly because I just was not used to that type of love. Partly because I have control issues and its hard for me to give that up. Partly because I have lived with a certain image of what it means to be a man. Partly because I live vicariously through other people and believe my life is suppose to fit some-type of mold. And through all of these different levels of insecurities, he was still by my side. He is willing to do whatever it takes to make me happy. He has made so many sacrifices. He has ignored my attitude and still loved me. He wants to be my provider when I feel like I have nothing. He is patient. He has taught me more about having faith. He has made me a top priority. Something I am not used too. I am used to being behind the kids, behind the work/career, behind baby mommas, behind family, behind ego. But, he's made me 1st. He has helped me to handle my stress. He has been God-sent, and still I fight the love he is offering. But I am thankful everyday for the love and support he has been to me during this trying times. It is times like this that we will one day reflect on and I know its only going to make us stronger, together.
In the stress of 2017, one thing that sums up my lesson learned is to be humble. Raven you cannot control everything. Raven, sometimes things don't look the way you thought, doesn't mean its not right. Raven, you are living this journey how it is suppose to be lived. Raven, you gotta love yourself. Raven, you gotta have faith. Raven, you gotta trust. Raven, its okay to be loved.
I wish I can wave a wand and give you the answer. Trust your got. Events doesn't last forever. Trials and tribulations build character, compassion, understanding and faith.
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